Kelly's Big New World.

July 7, 2014, exactly 1 year ago today, my life completely changed. After 10 years of a daily battle with anorexia and 13 failed treatment attempts, I reluctantly got on an airplane to Monte Nido in California, believing it was a waste of time because I was “chronic”-never going to get better, and I didn’t really care if I lived or died. That day is a total blur, in fact the weeks leading up to July 7th are a blur of a starvation induced psychosis. When I arrived, I was completely hallow. The admissions photo taken of me was frightening and not only because of my physical state, in the photo my eyes were completely empty…it was as if I had no soul, no actual Kelly inside of me.

My first few days I fought, I didn’t want to be there. I tried to leave, I begged my parents to let me transfer to another facility as Monte Nido “was not the right fit for me” But then a series of events occurred that could not be explained any other way then divine intervention. I was exhausted and I finally threw my hands up and said “I surrender.” I didn’t want to continue living the way I had been for the last 10 years of my life, and I didn’t want to die. I committed to recovery, whatever that would take. From there, what has taken place in the last year is nothing short of a miracle. After almost 4 months in residential treatment, I gained a solid foundation for the real work that had to happen. I dug deep and shared EVERYTHING… I left “no stone unturned” as cheesy as it sounds. I had to change my fundamental beliefs about myself, and reconnect with the person deep inside of me that was buried under years of insanity. People often think when someone goes to treatment, they get “fixed.” But the reality is, when you are in inpatient or residential care, you have people taking care of you 24/7. The food is placed in front of you, the bathroom is locked, exercise is monitored and timed by a professional, and there is someone to talk to at every moment should you need to. That I could do… honestly, I had become a professional patient by the time I entered the doors of Monte Nido, but they didn’t let me stop at just going through the motions. They gave me the support, guidance, love and honesty that was necessary for me to get past just going through the motions of treatment and actually making a change in myself that would last past the moment I left the safety of 24/7 residential care.

When I graduated from Monte Nido at the end of September, because I had made those deep rooted changes, my life completely exploded (in the best way possible) in front of my eyes. While I certainly faced challenges, I was reaping the benefits of recovery and I began to truly LIVE. Now, exactly 1 year since I was literally knocking on death’s door I am sitting here, blogging, enjoying my summer break, in recovery. I’ve successfully completed a semester and 2 summer school sessions at Pepperdine and am OFFICIALLY a senior in college. I moved from transitional living with Monte Nido, to on-campus dorms at Pepperdine, to an off-campus apartment with 4 friends from school whom I adore. I’ve taken up a love for paddle boarding and paddle board yoga. I’ve ventured to about 50 new restaurants around LA, I’ve reconnected with friends from childhood, I’ve made new friends, I have the best relationship with my family I’ve ever had, and for me, the most rewarding of it all- I’ve been able to help others. There is very little more gratifying then being able to return to a group at Monte Nido, or speak to a potential new client and tell them “I’ve been in your shoes and it will get better,” and to whole heartedly believe it.

Don’t get me wrong, recovery is not all sunshine and butterflies. I’ve had to put in a ton of work to get where I am and I have certainly had my ups and downs. Living 3,000 miles away from my family is difficult, I sometimes struggle feeling like I’m behind and drown myself in “shoulds” (I should be graduated, I should have things to do on Friday night, I should have a boyfriend, this shouldn’t bother me), and I sometimes feel the effects of essentially being socially and emotionally developmentally stunted since I didn’t go through the usual steps to get to where I am today and I missed out on a lot of the learning that takes place in the teens/ early 20’s. BUT these are all things that I work on, I talk about them and I continue to focus of my successes. NONE of these struggles compare to the pain I felt in the throws of my eating disorder.

I truly cannot believe the drastic change that has taken place this last year. As I said earlier, it is nothing short of a miracle. People who only know me now, like new friends at Pepperdine, could not even fathom the drastic change that has taken place. When people see me today it seems impossible that just a year ago I was a TOTALLY different person…. a person who was completely hopeless and lost. I feel so blessed for the people I have in my life that have seen me through all this and continue to support me day in and day out. There are not enough Thank You’s that can express the gratitude I have for my parents, the incredible team at Monte Nido, my tremendous family- brother and sister-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my amazing friends- who never stopped holding onto hope for me when I couldn’t myself. Without them I KNOW I would not be here today. Let me be a testament to the phrase “never give up”- things can change before your eyes.

 

I was just taking a look at my blog and realized it had been over a month since I’ve written a post! I don’t even know where to begin…this past month has been filled with so much fun, excitement, new experiences and blessings. Upon my return to California from an incredible trip home for thanksgiving, I found myself at so much peace. Although things had been going really well before the trip, I felt as if I had entered a new level of recovery… a point beyond the food and body image… a point of true acceptance and love for myself and life.

In my eating disorder I was self-destructing. Not only was I restricting my food, but I was restricting my entire life. I didn’t allow for enjoyment, for relationships, for fun, for pleasure…. I didn’t allow for emotions, feelings, or opinions. Everything I did was in an effort to harm myself, and to numb myself from this deep seeded belief that I was not worthy or capable. However, as time has gone on, as I’ve truly surrendered, as I’ve eaten my food and seen the gifts that have been given to me by God in return my worth has become apparent to me.  I value myself, something I never did before, and because of this it no longer makes sense to harm my body in the way I had been for the last 10 years. Not eating, exercising to exhaustion and pain, being underweight, having health consequences no longer makes sense to me… I am too valuable and life is far too precious to be harming myself. This is a totally new belief system for me. For years I found my identity and my worth in my disorder, I was so fearful of getting well and of being healthy because I thought that meant I would lose myself. The reality is I was so lost in my disorder and now, being in a solid state of recovery, I’ve found me… the real Kelly who was inside screaming to come out for years.

Christmas time in New Jersey was incredible. Now this is not to say everyone was happy go lucky 24/7. People got into little fights, the typical holiday stress was felt for all, my parents and I got annoyed with each other from time to time… but this was all normal! Our little tiffs/stresses were about what families should have tiffs about instead of what had become the family norm of fighting about food and my parents stressed that their daughter may not even make it to Christmas day alive.  I connected with so many people… I spent quality time with friends I hadn’t seen in ages. One of the best compliments I received was that my friends felt like they finally had me back. Standing at a bar the night after Christmas my good childhood friend told me this was “the best she had ever seen me” and felt like “I was finally a whole, real, young adult woman.”  I shared Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my cousins, aunts, and uncles… laughing, catching up,sharing delicious meals and playing Cards Against Humanity. New Year’s Eve was spent sleeping over at a hotel in Times Square with new friends! I got to have lunch in the city with my old doctor, it was extremely different from our last encounter which involved some screaming. We could now laugh about it and feel excitement and joy for the miracle that has taken place for me. So many other events happened as well, dance class in the city, finding my new favorite Mexican restaurant, a casino trip, seeing the tree, hanging out with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, shopping, time with my neighbors, movies, late night Target runs… I could go on and on. But the most exciting part… I was present and was engaged in each and every moment.

As my time died down at home, I started to feel some anxiety about the new venture about to take place… returning to California to start school at Pepperdine. While it was something I wanted and had worked so hard for, it is still very scary. Having been to college before with less then ideal experiences, it brought up a lot of old fears. “Will this make me relapse?” “Can I do it?” “Will I make friends?” “Home is so good, should I just stay here?” These worries kept me up at night. I broke down a few times, so fearful that going to school would somehow cause me to lose all this progress and strength I had gained. But I talked about it, I used my journal, I prayed for God to help me, and I reminded myself that anxiety about school is NORMAL. I didn’t need to necessarily fix it or do anything about it… it was an emotion that just had to be experienced.  Anna Kowalski, the Associate Clinical Director of Monte Nido says “Once you no longer are afraid of your feelings you no longer need to use your eating disorder to deal with them.” This could not ring more accurate. I stepped into the anxiety, I acknowledged it, I felt it, but I didn’t try to change it. I knew that eventually school would come and the feelings would pass…. Sure enough they did.

Today I am sitting in the library at Pepperdine… a full-time Wave! These past few days have felt surreal. My parents came to help me move in and we talked about the miracle that has truly taken place out here in California. As we sat together enjoying the most delicious BLTs and apple kale juices at Malibu Farm, it was a moment of pure perfection. A moment that none of us ever thought would actually be a reality. Moving in on Thursday I was unsure what to expect, but I was welcomed with open arms to the school. I immediately got close with my roommate, who is also a transfer, and we had fun exploring and trying new things. I met so many wonderful people, met my other 2 sweet roommates, went line dancing with new friends, had my first meeting with UMSL (university ministry student leaders through my church, which is a TOTAL honor to be a part of), made an excessive amount of trips to Home Goods and Target, started classes, and most importantly have just been feeling genuine joy, excitement, and peace. It all just feels right and unlike any other attempt I have had at college. It is different because I am different, I am healed and I am free. There is no better gift in the world than that of full recovery. I cannot thank God, my family, Monte Nido, my friends, and everyone who has been there with me through it all enough for this miracle that has been given to me. I now feel called to help serve others, and help others find this freedom and self-love that is possible for every human being. We are all worthy, we are all special, and we all deserve to love and value ourselves.

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore”- C. Joybell C

                                                              

Malibu Presbyterian Church has been such a huge part of my life since moving to Malibu. There I have been welcomed with open arms, all by sharing my truth. From the first time I came to service I was totally honest and upfront about who I was and where I was coming from. I didn’t make up some story about how I have moved to Malibu for fun or I was just visiting…. I simply said I was in recovery from an eating disorder. While it was scary to be vulnerable at first, what has come from the ability to be honest has been remarkable. I am known, I have friends, and I am involved…. I’m connected in a community outside of the treatment world…. something very new for me. Through Malibu Pres I became a member of their University Ministry… a community specifically for college aged kids. UM offers small groups.. which I am a part of a group of 5 lovely women, as well as a large Tuesday night worship service. Each week about 60 students come together to worship and listen to Steve, the UM leader, share a message. It’s a lot of fun and a great way to meet new people!

I was pleasantly surprised and extremely honored when I got a phone call from Steve asking me if I would like to speak on a Tuesday night and share my story. Talk about gifts of recovery, I LOVE to public speak (I know it’s odd coming from someone with anxiety) and this opportunity to do something I love and to help others through it just gave me so much energy. I truly feel called to do this.. to talk to people about my struggle and be there to help others and share hope. When Steve e-mailed me a recording of the talk at first I was a little hesitant to watch it… those automatic, negative thoughts came in “I bet I sounded stupid” “I bet I look like I weigh 4000 lbs” but I noticed this was just my silly brain and I watched it anyway. Thank goodness I did, because what I saw made me proud of myself…. Yes, I admit it.. I did a good job.

So here it is! My talk and my testimony. Hopefully it will be my first of many!!

This past week I had the incredible opportunity to visit home after 4 months in California. As I boarded my red eye flight on Thursday evening I was filled emotions. I was tremendously excited to see my family and friends, meet my niece, sleep in my comfortable bed, and see the fall leaves that I miss living in LA. But I was also filled with anxiety, while I have returned home from treatment before, I’ve never returned  so committed to my recovery. Would going back into my house where I was literally on my deathbed be too triggering? Could I handle the reactions from people when they saw me looking healthy and strong, after they have become accustomed to seeing me look emaciated? Would the eating disorder suddenly come back and bring me down? Was New Jersey cursed? That anxiety quickly faded once I saw my parents, felt the crisp NJ air, saw the leaves, got my Dunkin Donuts coffee and bagel (I miss Dunkin like no other), and saw my beautiful house decorated perfectly for the fall courtesy of my mom! I realized that while I love California, it is not what is making me recover… it’s me. I can bring my recovery with me anywhere.

After a short nap the fun began. Red Mango with my neighbors, meeting my beautiful niece Avery Elizabeth, birthday cake for my sister-in-law, make-over at Bobby Brown, lunch and dinner dates with friends, shopping, horse back riding, walking Martini, visiting my old dietician, curly’s ice cream, yoga… it all flew by too quickly and I found myself not wanting to leave. New Jersey no longer held this negative connotation of “sick.” With every new experience a new neural pathway in my brain was developed. Curly’s Ice Cream was no longer “scary”; Cuban Pete’s was no longer “off limits”, eating out for essentially every meal was seen as a fun way to connect and a new experience, rather than a challenge to be overcome.

While body image was still difficult at times, I was able to work through it and talk about it instead of acting on it. I logically know that I look good, healthy and strong and that the body I am now living in allows me to have an incredible life, but it is still a challenge to get used to. When you have been used to skinny jeans falling off of you and having the body of a 10-year-old boy for so many years, seeing a fuller face and jeans that fit the way they are supposed to can be a bit jarring. This is one thing I have to constantly keep in check…. Do I want to obsess over my body or do I want to live my life? For example, I went on a lovely trail ride with a dear friend of mine and fellow recovery buddy, we took pictures and upon posting them, particularly one I found totally unflattering, to Facebook I began to panic a bit. “I have 20 chins, my thigh looks like it has rolls, everyone is going to think I am now obese.” Thankfully it didn’t take long for me to realize my eating disorder voice was creeping in and I could ask myself…. “Am I going to obsess over these photos and try to guess what every person who sees it is going to think, or am I going to choose to use the photos to remind me of the fun day I had?” I chose the latter, and moved on. If it weren’t for this body, I couldn’t have even gone on the trail ride… I would have been curled up in bed starving. Body image is often said to be the last to go in recovery and I believe that to be true for myself, but I trust it will get easier with time, as the rest of the recovery process has.

As I now sit on a plane back to LA, I’m sad. While I am excited for some upcoming events this week such as assisting with a “Fat Talk Free Week” event at Pepperdine and speaking at my church about how my faith has helped me recover, I miss home… I miss the love I felt there. Yet I feel relieved now knowing I can go home and not be sick, I can go home and have fun! I look forward to my next trip over Thanksgiving, where for the first time in over 10 years I can truly celebrate the holiday for everything is meant to be. I have much to be grateful for this year. I’m very lucky to be living the life I am today, while struggles still come life is no longer something that seems scary and impossible…. it is something to be enjoyed!

                                                    

Life in recovery has been treating me well…. This is not to say there haven’t been some bumps along the way. Being in transitional living I am faced with more of the “everyday” trials and tribulations of life that kind of disappear when you are in 24/7 residential care… getting pulled over by Malibu cops, being late for an appointment, feeling sad because I miss my family, forgetting my dry cleaning, spending way too much money at target (the Halloween section always gets me). …But these things are just NORMAL LIFE! I handle all these things without starving, over-exercising, or laxatives and it is SO MUCH EASIER. I have been journaling and talking a lot about how much easier life is when I am nourished. It sounds so obvious… “Duh Kelly if you just ate and took care of yourself the rest of the world wouldn’t look so bad” but for us with eating disorders, we convince ourselves that the opposite is true…. That if we nourished ourselves or maintained a healthy weight we will crumble.

At Monte Nido Vista I was blessed with the most incredible dietician I ever met. She frequently talked about “basic needs” food, water, sleep, loving touch, play and how those with eating disorders (and lets be honest… a majority of our society) don’t attend to these needs. Without the basics being met the rest of life is going to be really unnecessarily difficult, if not totally impossible. At first I was skeptical of her philosophy, I thought she was crazy telling people with eating disorders that being nourished would solve our problems… but today I preach it! I see it in myself… as long as I eat my meal plan, get my sleep, drink enough water, spend time with others, and have fun (a.k.a. take care of THE BASICS) the rest of the stuff is just life! There is good and there is bad… but I am no longer shattered by the tough stuff and I am no longer blind to the good.

I’ve been having lots of fun… for the first time in years I’m free from the nagging voice of my eating disorder! I spent my Sunday with one of my roommates at the farmers market and by the pool, I saw Gone Girl on opening day, I’m flipping in the air at aerial silks, I learned how to “heckle” at a Pepperdine soccer game, I’ve tried lots of new restaurants and foods (I am now a foodie people!), I go on walks on the beach, I’ve found “my Starbucks” that knows my order, I talk to the cute old lady in line at the grocery store, I sit in the hot tub with my housemates laughing about god knows what, I practice my back dives into the pool like I’m 10 again, I paint, I bake, I help others, I call friends, I ANSWER MY PHONE, I go to church and interact with other members, I Face Time with my mom talking about a million things unrelated to food or my eating disorder. I have friends, I have relationships, I have things that matter to me so much more then the size of my jeans or how many almonds I had at breakfast. I feel so lucky that I am free, and I want everyone to feel the freedom I do. Get back to the basics…. Take care of yourself and life will treat you well.